Complete vs Complement

(I wrote this back in February and am finally posting it.)

There are moments in life when you realize something and you think to yourself, “How did I not see this before? This seems like something I should have known.” Well, here I am in the midst of one of those moments wondering how I missed the huge bit of information before.  Are you wondering what the revelation is yet? Just warning you, this revelation has the power to rock your whole brain if you believe it, so read only if you’re ready for a brain explosion.

I am complete all by myself!

There it is! Does your cranium hurt yet? Probably not, but let me explain why this changed everything and hopefully by the end it will have some meaning for you too.

Everyone has seen, heard quoted or quoted the scene from Jerry McGuire where Tom Cruise says to Renée Zellweger. “You complete me,” right?

 Sorry, pause for a funny side note. I had heard this quoted a million times and had fantasized about how that scene must have played out, remember I was a young girl when it came out and in love with Tom Cruise so putting a picture to the quote was acceptable, but still a little creepy.  I finally saw the movie just recently and all my little girl dreams were shattered. Just kidding, I thought it was hilarious. The scene takes place in the middle of a divorcee meeting. They are standing across the room from each other saying “Shut up, you had me at hello,” with a plethora of bitter, divorced women awkwardly watching. So not what I imagined! Ok hilarious side note over, back to the complete idea. Not only is this idea that you are not complete without a mate all over movies but it is pretty much the topic of almost every love song. Example: Keith Urban, “Baby you’re my better half.”

A few years ago my sister, who is a music therapist and is always doing sneaky therapy on me (which I love), asked me to put my life into colors on a sheet of round paper, called a Mandala. 

An example of one of the Mandalas my sister uses in therapy. This one was done by her husband, Bennett. 

When I was finished she asked, a little surprised and concerned, “What is that big black hole over there?” I said, matter-o-factly, that is the part of my life I am missing, my husband and family. She asked me a few questions, to try and get me to see that there was something wrong with that idea, but my synaptic gaps obviously did not make a connection out of what she was saying.

Not to worry, there was still hope for me.

So there I was, all 23 years of my life waiting for this back hole to be filled, feeling totally incomplete without it, when suddenly it was gone after a very wise man said to me, “My wife complements me, she does not complete me.” It clicked and changed everything in less than five seconds.

I was thinking: Holy crap, how have I read that so many times in my marriage and family manual without ever realizing the significance of that word?   Adam and Eve were helpmates, companions or helpers, for one another. It does not say they completed one another. I believe in marriage. It is something I want dearly. I believe I cannot make it back to my God without it. It is necessary and it will help me complete my life goals. But what I am trying to say is that with or without a family I am complete. I am a whole person. It feels so wonderful to write that! My happiness no longer depend on whether or not I get married. I am taking control of this situation and making my life as happy as possible. When I find someone I want them to join me on my journey, not start it. 

Here is a recent quote from Elder Uchtdorf, a twelve apostle, that I think sums all of this up quite nicely.

"So many people today are waiting for their own golden ticket—the ticket that they believe holds the key to the happiness they have always dreamed about. For some, the golden ticket may be a perfect marriage; for others, a magazine-cover home or perhaps freedom from stress or worry.

There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings—we hope and seek after things that are “virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy.”  The problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event—our golden ticket—to appear.

...if we spend our days waiting for fabulous roses, we could miss the beauty and wonder of the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around us.

This is not to say that we should abandon hope or temper our goals. Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don’t close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day’s ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life."

Next Chapter...

I am about to embark on a new journey in January. School will be over and I will be all grown up and living in the business world. This thought is exciting to me on so many levels.

1. No more school (I have been a student for 18 years)

2. No more grades

3. Work ends when you leave work (sometimes this is true, depending on the job)
4. I will have a bachelors degree from BYU

5. I will be able to make money

6. I can use my money to go and do whatever I want because I am SINGLE

So with all this in mind here are my little dreams about my future starting in January:

Move back to New York and work for a PR agency

View from the Rockefeller Center

If you know me you might be thinking this is crazy talk. Everyone stays in Utah. That is where your family is, that is where you are comfortable, that is where your history is. New York is dangerous and so crowded, you will hate it after awhile. 

My answer: I want to start a life for myself in a city that is mine, with no memories (except for the great ones I have already made).

Brooklyn view of NYC

Top of the Rockefeller 

I have been living in the city for three months and I love it. There is always an adventure waiting just outside my tiny, wooded floor apartment. 

Free personality testing, that should be interesting

There is always something new going on. It’s a new city every day. Things change so quickly. So many surprises happen on every block.

Horse cop helping a car park on 6th Avenue

Sure there are things I don’t like: the random stinky smells, the crowds of people (sometimes I like them), the lack of mountains and silence. But those things are so minute compared to how awesome this city is.

11 p.m. on a Thursday, where do all these people come from?

I will miss my family, but when will I ever get this chance again? I am a free woman. The time will come to settle down, but right now I don’t have to and I am going to make the most of it.

The trick will be not getting comfortable again in Utah. By comfortable I mostly mean physical comfort. Air conditioning, driving, clean air, big kitchens, bathrooms.

Subway station, where the rats come out at night!

I also mean comfortable with my family. It is hard to part with  people you love and little ones you want to watch grow up. However there is some consolation. I know it’s not the same but the ward here is amazing. 

We have to take care of each other or else we will be lost in the crowd of 8 million New Yorkers.

Alice's Teacup

Stake Day of Service. These guys helped me paint a fence in Riverside Park for 4 hours on a hot hot Saturday. Then we all went to Rockaway Beach!

You have to be each others family.

Shake Shack with some of my favorite people.

Moral of the story: if you see me in Utah this January then I want you to shake me really hard, and tell me to suck it up and move back to New York!

Subway stop for my first internship

Start a new wardrobe

The second part of my dream involves giving myself a makeover. As I walk the streets here and ride the subway certain styles stick out to me. I take note and think: I want to dress like that. Then I realized I COULD because I will have money to buy new clothes soon! Of course it will be a slow process but that is half the fun. Starting over never felt complete without a new style, and it’s about time I changed mine.

Here are my ideas:

VINTAGE – CLASSY – FEMININ 

A few days ago I started my journey and I went to this sweet vintage store in the East Village where I found a cool shirt. It even smells old. :) 

Let the old smells begin!

The mirror has been lying to me...

There is this wonderful podcast that I listen to regularly.

I don't recommend things very often, but I recommend this like I recommend my religion. Ok, maybe not that much recommendation, but pretty close. It is probably the hottest thing since sunburn. (Anybody know that movie reference?)

Anyway, enough about my obsession with this podcast, lets get to the point.

One of their podcasts, Desperately Seeking Symmetry, sparked a thought in my head that I have not been able to get rid of. Here is the thought: when I look in the mirror it is deceiving me. It does not show me what I actually look like, what everyone else sees.

SOOOO

Everyone, I would like to introduce you to Leesa through the looking glass.

Say hello!

 What I think you see when you look at me. What you actually see.

What do you think of her? Does she look familiar?

In the podcast they mentioned a guy who built a mirror that would show you what other people see when they look at you. When they looked in the mirror some people freaked out, and were sure that the person in the mirror was someone else. Now I don't think I look that different, but I do look different. 

Try reversing a picture of you, I want to see your secret mirror companion. 

Oh and don't forget to fall in love with Radiolab! Start with "Limits," it will change your life. For reals.

SQUIRREL! #2

So who would have guessed that anyone in their right mind would write about squirrels twice on their blog? Well, when you have a ridiculous story to tell that is pretty ironic, and it involves squirrels, than it necessitates writing about it.

I was in the lovely Washington DC this weekend and I had a little run in with, you guess it, a squirrel. I kept mentioning to my friends that I loved squirrels and thought they were so funny. This of course led to my friend, Sam, betting me $100 bucks if I would pick one up. $100? Are you kidding me? I am on an unpaid internship and $100 will give me a weeks worth of food in NY! Of course I was going to try, but with little expectation of it actually happening.

So there I was walking towards a squirrel, in-between the Vietnam Memorial and the Washington Monument, headed to the White House. To my happy surprise and Sam's utter terror, the squirrel began walking towards me. That is when I got cocky and all logic left my brain. I put my hand out to it and it came up and smelled it. Ah ha, this was going to be the easiest $100 bucks I have ever made! Not so. After a minute of trying to get the squirrel to be my friend I decided to go for it. As it took some popcorn out of my hand I reached around and grabbed at its torso. This next part is a little graphic, so if there are children reading this be warned. The squirrel and I had a moment of terror together. As I grabbed it, the squirrels animal instincts kicked in and it  attacked my hands with an unexpected fierceness. Biting and scratching. I was not expecting this and I let out a loud and quite childish scream and ran for it.

The next hour I spent trying to convince Sam to give me the $100 dollars but his reasoning and made-up, after the fact, rules succeeded in convincing me that I did not deserve the money.

2 days later

As you can see the squirrel broke my skin in a few places but luckily none of it was from his bites, just his scratches. Lesson learned. And if you were wondering if I still like squirrels as much as I did in my last post, I would have to say, yes. I feel a sacred bond with them now. This will not be the end of this squirrel tale!

In Memory of Leesa

So my brother-in-law is an amazing photographer and I inspired him to put up some pics of NY that he took when he was here a few years ago. Take a look cause they are beautiful and will help you understand why I love NY so much!

http://sidewalkaintforfancywalkin.blogspot.com/2011/06/in-memory-of-leesa.html

SQUIRREL!!

Yes those are real squirrels!

Two things have baffled me since I have been in the city.

1. How did the squirrels get into the parks?
2. Where do the Taxis sleep?

I will address these two monumental and life altering questions in the subsequent paragraphs.

In order to understand the significance of the first baffling question, you must understand the geography of Manhattan. Fist of all it is an island, only connected to land by bridge and subway. Second, there is only one giant park and it is in the center of the city, with no parks connected to it.

Consider this map of one of my favorite parks: Type Union Square, NY, NY into this link http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&tab=wl

Now if you look closely you can see that there is no link between this park and the next park. My friends been throwing about multiple theories about how the squirrels got there. They came from Central Park, going from tree to tree, they ran from park to park at night or the city put them there. None of these allegations can be true based on logic. For rebuttal, I would explain that Central Park is about 45 long blocks away, the city never sleeps so they would get run over if they tried to run and the city has enough rodent problems so I can't see them adding to it.

The only logical conclusion that I have come to is that these squirrels, in Union Square, have to be 50th generation Union Square squirrels. They must have settled there long before the streets and buildings rose from the ground. Now, if you think hard enough about all this it means there is a lot of squirrel incest going on. Awkward. Why do these squirrels not have three arms and four eyes?

My favorite thing about them is how they chase each other like they do on The Sword and the Stone movie. Well, no matter how morally questionable these squirrels are they still make me happy whenever I see them! 

The second question is a little easier to answer if you think about it logically, but I refuse to make it that simple.

The conundrum:
More taxis than regular cars on the streets
No parking in the city or the island, none
Neighborhood streets have regular cars parked on them
Only one gas station, that I have seen

So where do these yellow driving machines re-energize? It is beyond my understanding.

heard the news, hopped on the subway, headed for Ground Zero

To be in the city for news like this was nothing like I had ever experienced before. I went to ground zero twice today... I will get to that later. I want to start off with the most powerful and memorable moment for me. It was not at Ground Zero but it was when I was sitting in the Ihouse with 20 other foreigners glued to the TV.

 When word got to me to check the news I ran down to the TV lounge in the Ihouse and sat next to a German girl. When I arrived there was already about 15 people there. We all sat discussing the situation and waiting to hear President Obama make the announcement. It is hard to describe my feelings on such a strange occasion. To rejoice at the news of someones death is not something that I had ever experienced before, but I felt a feeling of rejoicing. I also felt a great feeling of patriotism. However, I also felt uneasy about the ramifications of such an event. As soon as the President came on screen everyone became silent.  We listened in silence.I loved his speech but I did not know what the foreigners around me were thinking. I did not know what to expect from them when he finished. I was surprised and overwhelmed by their response. The moment he stopped speaking they began clapping and shouting in such excitement. Genuine excitement. It was something I will never forget. I could not believe that these people from all over the world cared so much about us that they rejoiced when our enemies failed. I did not expect such support. It was such a wonderful feeling of unity and patriotism. In the excitement I heard someone say: "Meet upstairs in 5 minutes, we're going to ground zero." I looked at another of the girls sitting next to me and off we went. Mind you it was midnight, and we had work in the morning, but we could not miss this.

 

We met five of the interns from BYU and  took the subway down. As soon as we got into the terminal at The World Trade Center stop we could hear the yelling from above. 

 To my right

to my left

When we got to the street was a huge swarm of people all gathered together. It was just like going to a concert, except the music was sung by many people without much tone. I was so excited to go and to be in the place where everything began. I was excited for the families of those who died, because they finally have the justice and closure they deserve. 

It was my first time at ground zero and frankly it was not at all what I expected. In fact, here is the big damper to the story. Let me explain the context. The crowd was mostly college age students. News reporters and broadcasters were everywhere. There were people on the street lights and on shoulders. Flags being waved all around. There was random cheers of USA and songs about America but most of what was happening took away the feeling of patriotism and unity and reminded me of just how obsessed we are with the media.

 

 

The sign said "Obama: 1 Bin laden: 0."

 That is Marlyn Monroe on the flag. What? She was being so ostentatious.

Many of the interns who came share my opinion when I say that it appeared that most of what was happening that night on the corner by Ground Zero was all a show. There was very little that was genuine. Some of the repeated cheers I heard included: F#@* Osama and the song "Na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye," something sung at the end of football games. I was so bitterly disappointed. The feelings I felt in the Ihouse were gone and I just looked around in embarrassment for all those who were being ridiculous just to get attention. I am surprised what people will do when they are on camera. It was pretty cool that so many people showed up to celebrate the news, even though some of it was not genuine. It began to get a little too rowdy for us around 2 a.m so we left. I was so bitterly disappointed. I had wanted my first trip to Ground Zero to be one of respect, love for my country and the people of New York, but it was quite opposite. However, I went again later that day and had a better experience. 

After work two coworkers and I decided to go after we had been listening to the news all day. This time the atmosphere on the streets was quite altered. It was very somber. I think the excitement of the news had worn off and now the memory of the event remained. Again, there was a ton of people there, police and news media everywhere. We walked around for a little while and I actually got to see some of the memorials and the land where it all occurred. My heart felt heavy walking those streets, realizing the great pain and heart ache that was so ripe ten years ago. Even though time has gone by it still feels like it happened yesterday. Time does not wear away the pain of losing so much in one day. There were three moments when I was struck with great feeling. The first was when I saw this. 

The list of all the firemen who died that day. This is posted to the firehouse right across the street. 

The second was when I saw this:

Parents. The dad had tears in his eyes. This was right across the street as well. 

And the third was when I saw, through a fence with flowers tied to it, the old structure of one of the towers.

It was a harrowing experience and I am so grateful that I am here in New York. 

Here are a few more pictures of some of the things I saw:     

UNITED WE STAND

Oh the Places I Have Gone... In Four Days

Time seems to go slower than the rest of the world, here in New York. That seems like a strange statement coming from a place known for its fast pace. I have been here four days and yet it feels like I have been here for weeks. So much has happened and I have experienced so much. I really can’t believe it has only been four days, crazy. So far I have…

Gone to Time Square three times, twice in one day

Been woken up at 5 a.m. by two people arguing about a taxi

Seen the Hudson, New Jersey, the Empire State Building and the Chrysler Building

Seen the Brooklyn Bridge

Been in four different states

Seen the Trump Tower and Columbus Square, twice.

Been to the municipal building, the Supreme Court and the Court house

Ridden the subway at least six times a day, 24 times in four days

Been the only one speaking English one the subway more than once

Walked through SoHo, China Town and Little Italy

Gone to Lincoln Center almost every day, that is where I work

Been the minority almost all of the time

Walked so much my pants have a hard time going over my calves
Eaten gelato at Ferrara (open since 1892)

Been blatantly hit on 7 times
Walked down Canal Street, known for knock-offs

Been led to a secret room by an old Asian woman to a secret room in the back of a restaurant to see knock-off purses.

Made friends with people from Russia, Germany, France, the UK (they had a celebration for the royal wedding and watched it on TV), Ghana, Austria (instant friend, he could not eat gluten either), India, Peru, one of those Stan countries that I cannot pronounce and Japan!

I could keep going but I am afraid you will lose all of your saliva and die from drooling! J